Real or Not Real?

*Spoiler alert: The following contains discussion about the latest Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2! Read at your own discretion. But please read it. I promise not to give the ending away!

I recently have considered taking up archery. A bow and arrow might be on my Christmas list. Black pants. Leather jacket. Definitely a mockingjay pin.

 A Hunger Games flick has made its way into our thanksgiving week ritual like a long lost friend who only comes to our table for this sacred feast once a year. For the past four years. For a third of my little’s life, she has had a new Hunger games movie to enjoy at Thanksgiving. So, this year was extra awesome as it was the finale. 

As always, we begin to debrief in the car ride home after the show. What we loved, where it strayed from the book, the parts that drew tears, and the parts we swore we saw coming. The moments that shocked us. Of course, Katniss is just awesome.  So bold and brave. Complex and passionate. I want to be her. I want to be the girl on fire.

I’m reflecting on the parts of the movie that I really resonate with, really wishing I could be stirred up by the warrior. The Battle. It is, however, a very humble and pitiful part that my heart just clings to, replaying over and over again: Peeta.

Peeta, Katniss’s partner and love, has been captured and tortured by the Capitol. Only his torture involved a hijacking of the mind that introduced false realities and preceptions into his psyche, mainly pertaining to his memories of Katniss. He has been conditioned to fear and hate her. Once they realize what has happened to him, they work to help him sort out his memories and he begins to grasp his enemy has worked against him in this cunning and ruthless way. By warping his mind, the Capitol has created the ultimate weapon to use against Katniss: Love buried beneath pain, confusion, and perceptions that are based on lies.

Once rescued, Peeta and Katniss develop a way for him to sort out his mind, to help him determine if his perception is right or if he is, once again, acting on the lies that have been created for him. Peeta says a statement and then asks Katniss, “Real or not real?”

I have to be honest here and say I SO wish I was identifying with Katniss’s bravery, her sure shot, heck, her awesome mockingjay pin—something!!! But truth be told, I find myself feeling a lot more familiar with that crazed, confused look in Peeta’s eyes as he looks longing at Katniss trying to rebuild the trust between them as he asks her “real or not real” and somehow hoping to find his way back to truth.

How often have I allowed myself to have a warped view of reality because my mind is operating on a sick strain of twisted reasoning and false perceptions? The conditioning happens in my mind when I allow hurts, fears and disappointments to go unmended, festering into something that looks very similar to a hijacked mind. I make agreements with these false perceptions (I believe this) and then I make actions upon those beliefs (I do this) and then? Well. Then I begin to look like someone I’m not. Someone I don’t want to be. (I am this) The problem here is that it is all based on a lie.

I’m alone.

I don’t belong and never will.

No one really cares about me.

I’m going to mess my kids up.

I will never change. 

Peeta’s approach is a simple one. Humble yourself. Ask someone who knows the truth if its real or not real. Believe it and move forward.  Trust has to start somewhere. The good news here is that I know Someone who is Truth.

Truth is a person. Not a perception.

Jesus refers to the Helper, who comes to live within us when we yield our lives to Him, the Holy Spirit as “the Spirit of Truth” and He “will guide us into all truth.” (John 15:26, John 16:13, NKJV)

When I bring the enemy’s lies out from the dark crevices of my soul into the light of God’s Word, they are exposed for what they are: weapons bent on my destruction. Tricks to keep me captive. Ineffective. Afraid.  When I allow the Spirit of Truth to guide me into all truth, I can, with God’s help, tear down the false foundations, allowing new ones to be built, true foundations that will yield abundant life.  Truths that make me brave. Able. Alive.

I’m alone. Not real. I’m with you always.

I don’t belong and never will. Not real. I have accepted you.

No one really cares about me. Not real. I care about you.

I’m going to mess my kids up. Not real. I will be the same God to them that I’ve been to you. I’ve got them.

I will never change. Not real. I’m changing you now as we speak.

If we have trusted in Christ, we no longer belong to the darkness. It cannot force me to stay. It can, however, convince me that the darkness is where I belong, harassing me to stay put. But the Spirit of Truth whispers a different message: “He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the Kingdom of the Son of His love,” Colossians 1:13 NKJV

Can I just admit here that this is tough work? I value truth. It makes me tick. But sorting out my truth can be messy. Needy. Seeking it can feel like a battlefield. It feels vulnerable and hard. Nevertheless, I feel most alive when I’m sitting at the table sorting out mine and you are spilling yours. We are battling not with each other, but for each other. It’s a sacred battle for truth. On second thought, maybe I do resemble Katniss after all.  I’m fighting for a victory that has already won, but the battle is for abundant life now. 

Thankfully I have a Helper who is proven on the battlefield. And I'm definitely getting better with a bow and arrow.

This is who He is. This is what He does. He is Truth. REAL.

Togetherness

I'm listening to the generator roar against the mighty back drop of the ocean waves on this, our last night in Haiti, and I’m wondering what will it be like to not have 25 Haitians out in my yard at any given point in the day?  

Honestly, a big part of me is ready for some space and solitude. Another piece of this heart is going to seriously miss the togetherness of this place. Not only are we together most of the time, we are with a community that has lived this way all their lives. Not in a contrived, scripted, planned community, but a group of people that just needs each other. 

A forced togetherness that yields a connectedness. 

You can't do life alone here, even if you try. This is a difficult land, and everyday tasks can be a challenge. You just need some help. 

Trouble is I don't want help. I really don’t want to need anyone. 

Correction: I don’t want anyone to let me down. Relying on is not my strong suit. 

My pride rears it's ugly head in the form of self reliance and while it promises to save me from pain, humiliation and disappointment, ultimately it just keeps me separated, disconnected, and alone.

With a little bit of a hardened exterior. For sure, more of a hardened heart than I'd like to admit. 

Isolation has been my go to for so long. This works pretty good in America, where I can just not answer my phone or leave the house for days and no ones knows the difference. Here? Ahhhhhh, blessed togetherness. There is just no hiding. And I'm thankful for it. Probably better for it.

God is using this blessed tool of togetherness to show me some good things. Isolation lies and togetherness leads to life. Vulnerability in the Body of Christ bears the fruit of sincerity and truth in relationships that we are all really longing for, but it takes such bravery to be vulnerable first. Truth is along both paths lie hurt and disappointment, but one path leads to life and strength and health in the Body of Christ, and the other to death, false hood and hypocrisy.

"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgement." Proverbs 18:1

Through the blessed togetherness, God is teaching me what He values should be what I value. Transparency. Grace and truth. Acknowledgment and respect of space and boundaries, leaving room for the Spirit to work. Learning to bear each other's burdens. Depending on others. Unconditional love. Looking out for the needs and interests of others. Being filled up by the Spirit, not puffed up by ego or pride. Love like you want to be loved. Serve like you want to be served. 

It's not that these things are necessarily plentiful here, but it is the opportunity for these things that abounds.

I'm the wild card. 

Will I choose to serve others or go my own selfish way? Will I have a tenderness to sit and listen?  Will I be open and apply the truth that He can use my brokenness in the lives of others? That He can use me in spite of myself? Do I really believe that when I am weak, His power is strong in me? 

I'm learning that blessed togetherness isn't always about wanting to be with people, nor is it about always being physically together. It's more about not hiding. Not lying to yourself and those I'm sharing this wonderful, crazy life with about who I am and what's really going on in this knotted up heart of mine. 

It's about giving the acceptance and grace that I am needing. 

It’s about letting people in and trusting God will use my vulnerability.

Community doesn't save us, but what better use is His body broken for you and me than to weep and hurt and walk with one another? The broken and the bleeding. 

Togetherness is that blessed balm that when applied to our lonely hearts reminds us we don’t have to walk alone. Truth be told, I don't know what the answer is for those of us that don't live in a forced togetherness situation. But I have an inkling it begins like so many other things: Choosing it. Without conditions, expectations or agendas. Choosing blessed togetherness when I neither feel blessed nor like being together, knowing God has made us to know and be known. He has promised us He is near to the brokenhearted. No doubt He wants us to be near to one another in our brokenness. 

That is why He put us together. And He knows what He is doing. 

Haiti Halftime

We have been here almost half our allotted 6 weeks and we feel strangely at home and have the vague sense we have never lived elsewhere. Having fallen into routine, life has a way of settling into the predicable. 

Here comes the old lady trying to sell me one of the 50 hats on her head as I'm having my morning coffee. I say "no mesi," she smiles and says "pita, pita," later. 

Yes, I will see her later. 

The elderly man that cuts through our yard every morning, wearing an NFL jersey and talking gibberish, but has a firm handshake and a friendly, toothless grin. 

Franklin, the boy who sells shells and is always willing to gobble down any treat I have to offer. 

Bob. 
Roosevelt. 
Alex. 
Fitizin, walking the beach everyday with his pink surf board bag. 

The kids gathering in our yard by evening for games, kickboxing and laughs. 

People. Relationships. 

It occurs to me tonight that for all our plans and efforts here to work, accomplish, provide and build structures, the real work is relationships. 

Why does this surprise me? Because apparently I'm learning this lesson on repeat. Yes I'm a frequent flyer on this one and here in Haiti, God reminds me again. 

He is always about relationship. My relationship with Him and His relationship with every other person I come into contact with. 

It's His priority. He is always pushing the envelope for a closer, deeper relationship. One that is powerful. Effective. Dynamic.

It surprises me because I constantly default to making it about the work. The task. My effort. A product I can point to and get glory, applause and status. But when I seek the Lord about our time here and His purpose for me, He gently and so faithfully reminds me,

 "No. It's all about the people. The work is loving the people I put in front of you. Just do that."

This has a simplifying effect for me that just takes a load off and allows me to take that deep breath I've been needing for days.

Haiti is a complex place, troubles abound and even the most simplistic things are just difficult to get anything accomplished. It is discouraging. And overwhelming. Plagued with doubts, I have wondered if any of our efforts will be effective. 

But then I see Franklin, shell boy, accepting Christ on our porch. My son Caleb sharing the gospel and praying with several teens, leading them to Christ. And I'm reminded, 

Relationships. 

It is God's avenue of choice to work in us and through us. He came to us not dictating and controlling, but inviting us into a relationship with Himself. We can respond or not. Relationships go both ways. 

I do know more than any other thing, it was God's love and His kindness that won my heart over 22 years ago and I know here and now it's His love that can win the day in the hearts of so many here on this island.  

At the end of the day, relationship the measuring rod that we will be accountable for when we stand before God: what did you do with the relationship I offered you through my son Jesus? How did you treat the others around you? What did you do with the people? The others I wanted to love through you? 

Our relationships are our letters of recommendation "known and read by all men" 
(2 Corinthians 3: 1-3), not written with ink but by the Spirit of the living God on the tablets of flesh, that is of the heart." 

Lives changed through the power of the Holy Spirit through my life that has been changed by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Who is in my letter of recommendation? 

Yes, if that is the measure of ministry, these people are written on my heart by the living God. He asks me to follow in His example of making people the priority, allowing relationships to be the catalyst for His Spirit to work in and through me. He asks me to join Him in this great endeavor of loving people. 

Yes, Lord. Have Your way.

Dreams

I am laying in bed our first night of 42 in Haiti and my thoughts are running amuck. 

Even after my cold shower in the dark, I’m still sweaty, hot and uncomfortable. I've just tucked in my little girl who is in tears already missing home, her bed, her comforts. Also I can't even begin to settle down after my husband killed a giant spider in the sink I just washed my face in. 

This is not going as I had planned in my head. 

How could THIS be our dream? Is this really what we've planned and hoped for so many years? Did we really choose this? 

6 weeks in Haiti, with our family and close friends, but this first night, reality is pressing in like a sweaty fleece blanket in a sauna and we are all second guessing ourselves. 

Dreams are often like that. 

It's simply human nature and perhaps a motivating mechanism to only dream of the good. The easy. The great things that will come once the dream has come to fullness. The accomplishment. We dream in big picture. It is what gets you going and allows God to grow the dream in your heart. 

Being married to a dreamer and eternal optimist, this originated as his dream of escaping the dead of winter to live and minister on a Caribbean island, homeschooling the kids and showing them how the majority of the world lives in poverty with no electricity. Honestly I can say, this dream has been a source of many an argument in our home over the last few years. Not because I disagree, but because I'm a realist and I knew this first night would happen.

It would be hard. 

It's hard to choose the hard for yourself, but it's that much more difficult to choose it for your kids. Even if you know ultimately it will be for their good, as a parent you constantly weigh the hope of what God will do in them through the dream, and what the constant of normal will provide them. 

Since I'm basically "a let's not rock the boat", and I'm married to a "mover and shaker", you can see why there was some friction. However, as the Holy Spirit so often does, in His time, He brought our hearts together and set our feet on a path that we know He has ordained. Individually seeking and yielding ourselves to the Spirit's work in our lives was the key to unlocking God's plan and purpose for our family in this time. This goes for our kids as well. We have prayed and sought the Lord for years about this dream and our kids also had their say and gave their yes. 

But if dreams happen in the big picture, the work to accomplish them occurs in the zoom. The blood, sweat and tears. The little and big steps of faith it took to plan the trip, pulling the trigger on un-enrolling the kids from school, saying goodbye to family and friends and pets for 6 weeks. 

And the steps continue on here, even this first night as we encounter the hard truths of life without power, light, air conditioning, clean water, comforts from home, boiling water so we don't get sick, riding in the open beds of trucks, and swatting away at mosquitos that could give us malaria. 

It's here in the zoom that we have to keep choosing the hard. 

What's so funny is that some of what seemed so hard the first night is no longer hard but normal. Which feels like a gift. To feel some normal reminds us that God is helping us, growing us, and working in us. He whispers in our ears, 

"Hard is good. Keep choosing it. I am with you." 

Once you make a habit of choosing it, we are learning the good comes a little easier. 

And so with a week under our belt and some feelings of normalcy, we are seeking to glean even more out of our experience here, setting our hearts on serving the Haitian people and bringing the hope of Jesus to open and willing people. 

So dream big and watch God meet you in all that is hard, to teach you all that is good!

Living Life with No Regrets!  

Lena, Toby, Caleb, and Lauren Clark

www.ShowMeHope.org

*Follow our 6 week Journey on Facebook and Instagram by searching the Hashtag “#TheHopeProject”.

January

So it’s January. And I’m thinking…..well that came and left in a hurry.  I mean truly, my head is spinning and my heart feels a little achy remembering it. Savoring it.  But too, there are regrets, disappointments and sad lows that weigh heavy. 

January is always a mixed bag. It begs you to look back while thrusting you forward. It’s always in January I feel the truth the strongest. The truth about life.

It’s constantly changing. 

People change. Therefore, relationships are in constant flux. People move. I move. I’m currently on my sixteenth address. That’s 16 moves, people! I tuck my kids in at night to have them wake up bigger, a tad more independent of me than the day before. They are changing. Growing. Which is great, right? 

I’d like to know why it causes a little sicky feeling in my stomach then. It always has. 

Change and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. I hate that just when I seem to find my rhythm in life, here comes change, barging into the room and bossing everyone around. 

Truth be told, however, change isn’t always obnoxious and unwelcomed. Many a season I have prayed down the change from heaven because I was so ready. My soul craved new sights, new horizons and change was gonna take me there.  

It’s the persistence of it that wears me down. Every second, it is happening in the minutiae, but you only really pay attention to the big events that demand you to sit up and take notice. 

Events like January. There is something about January that slaps me around a little, awakening me to the reality that change is happening.  It all makes me feel weary.  

It’s here in this place where I turn to the Lord with my sentimental self and I sense His presence, that beloved still small voice whispering, 

I’m here too. I’m constant too. And, news flash: I govern the change.  

Change and God. 

Both are constant, but only God has the right to govern. And He is a good governor, loving and full of mercy. Even the seemingly bad changes, God promises He can and will weave them for good. God uses the change to accomplish His purpose in and through me. 

If change is His tool, shouldn’t it be my friend? 

Change can be a tricky beast as I have often discovered.  Perhaps it’s why I can dread it so. Life has a way of changing and sometimes I can’t find myself for a while. I neither recognize or like myself. 

I’m thinking this is why Paul wrote these good words to Timothy, 

“Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Preserve in them, because if you do, you will save both you and your hearers.” I Timothy 4:15-16, NIV 

Watch your life and doctrine closely. Why? Because things can change on a dime and if you're not careful, life can slip away from you, morphing into something you neither desire nor recognize. 

At each turn, every crossroad, each new season of life, God desires to walk with me through the change, governing and guiding my heart. He is always after relationship. 

The Message puts it this way,

“Keep a firm grasp on your character and your teaching. Don’t be diverted!” 

Change is constant diversion that requires a continual inner realignment of my soul to stay in step with the Spirit’s work in my life. Herein lies a secret to some good living, my friends: 

I can make peace with the ever-changing path beneath my feet because I’m steadfastly holding the hand of my never-changing Father. 

Because of who He is, I can. 

I can grow older and not desperately grasp at youth. 

I can grow into a mom of teenagers and then send them out into the world without falling apart because they no longer need me in the same way. 

I can keep choosing to fall in love with my husband again and again and again. 

I can seek God in every new place and season because He is already there, beckoning me to draw near and say yes to Him. 

Change is His plan. He is inviting me to participate with Him.  

Whether sweet or bitter, welcomed or resisted, planned or out of left field, change is always an invitation to growth and intimacy. 

And I'm thinking I will respond with "Okay, Lord. Let's do this!" 2015, here we come.